The Cycle of Abuse - part 2

Camouflaged within society and socially repugnant

By the age of ten plagued in my conscience by the impure transgressions, these now had eroded my natural responses to the point of willful lusts. The whole course and the natural order of things had been altered and eradicated so there was no real hope in such a young mind or heart to ever return to the natural course of perusing wonderful pre-teen ideals and impulses and the natural desire to engage in the courtship and chase of true love. I had been fortunate enough to engage in a mutual infatuation with the pastor's daughter, Jillian. We flirted with one another and I longed for the weekends to come around that I might see her again. My school ruler and pencil case had her name scribed into them and she filled my awaking thoughts for almost what seemed to be a couple of years. At church we ran and hid together, the smell of the heavily scented jasmine bushes filled the summer night air and her hair swayed as we ran and tagged one another in joyful games around the jasmine. We held hands as no one looked and stole gentle kisses from one another when no one was about. It was evident the fondness we felt for one another which had also been noticed by several adults and parents. Totally innocent childhood crushes, she was my first sweetheart and a new love filled my being. I never knew love came in different forms but this was gentle and pure like the air we breathed. Breathtaking and tingly, I was in love, puppy love. The boys of the home teased me continually of this flirty romance but I didn't care she was beautiful to me and it never mattered to me who knew. She was blessed with a slender young form and long black hair, such a quiet beauty and her smile engrossed me. Gentle and elegant was her demeanor and her name Jillian was so beautiful to say, it rolled off my tongue with ease and captured the very essence of who she was. Ah! Jillian....
Our eyes searched for one another across rooms when attending church functions and on picnics we secretly found one another and held hands. At other social gatherings we both anxiously awaited the moments until we could see each other and be alone. This was perfect and untainted, I have always cherished those times I had with her. I was rich to have experienced her love, and to be special in her eyes, I had forgotten about my pain, my mother and the issues of abandonment when I was with her.
Disastrously for me though, after many times of subjected abuse, signals became crossed and disorientation messed up the finer details of puberty for me. Whenever I wanted to engage in the pursuit of crushes and romance, the suggestions of what was beautiful were now being overridden, manipulating me and controlling me to advance toward something else, an attraction to the very same which caused my grief my pain and my agony. I'd been robbed and denied the right to participate in the normal aspirations and impulses of male puberty. My orientation had become broken and mistaken. Romance was no longer eligible but merely satisfying an unnatural desire became habitual.
Misery became my friend as I watched my mates zealously engage in the natural order of their youth. I so wanted the same and to be the just like them but the attraction wasn't there. So there I stayed on the outer edge watching on from afar not participating in the likes of puppy love or light crushes that I had once known, nor tingling senses and the appreciation of God's creation, the building block that the average boy takes for granted. Sure, I could see with my eyes but not with my inner senses or emotions any longer, its like eating ice cream but tasting mashed potato missing the whole taste, textures, flavor and exhilarating appeal. I could see the beauty but never really experience it again for myself.
I quickly learned how to cover up and lie, how to avoid and manufacture. I talked the talk to protect my secrets, the things that riddled me with a gangrenous mind. I was camouflaged within society and socially repugnant. My life was empty and distorted by the abuses of my childhood and my future looked very dim.
I resisted and refrained these demented desires, it wasn't the life I sought or would allow for myself. The struggle for survival was tough. I wrestled constantly with my conscience, the torment sometimes was over bearing and depleted my soul of all hope to be like everyone else. No one would understand the turmoil within if I'd spoken of it. I felt alone and to be rejected yet again for something else in my life was now a reality and the thought of being exposed and ridiculed plus the humiliation then isolation could all but destroy me. After all I was still a child, sexually naïve but awoken to the realm of sex, attraction and fast becoming an addiction. Too young to be aware of this facet of life, yet now at a meager age well experienced in insatiable pleasures. Polluted and disdained I really never gave any one else the opportunity to reject me or get too close, a facade of shyness and meekness embodied me as I had been gutted of who I could have been and in place, I ensured that I would reject first and keep at bay all who wanted to know me.
Some of those who were attracted to me I let in. But only through my own promiscuity and arousal of investigative eroticism. An infant was left to cope with this shattered life alone bent down in the dirt reconfiguring the fragile pieces of a life left askew. He was thrown into array, directly without choice and had to grow beyond his years to battle this archaic ritualism of abuse.
Even now such shame and guilt still swamp me and surround me. My chest pounds in fear at the thought of loved ones reading my inner thoughts and troubled past. But when all is said and done, I need to explain myself for this life is short and the next eternal. Maybe somehow others may understand what goes through the minds of those caught in the sadistic cycle of abusive behaviours. Those who cannot wrought a life out of the fragile pieces left but rather continue on into the paths of ruin, destroying the lives of so many others through the consuming lust which has infiltrated their own lives. Escape is not a reality but confrontation is solution solely. Options are few, choices are fewer but devastation is yours, all yours.
The school yard was the devils playground filled with incessant behaviours of cruelty, bullying and sexual awareness. Negotiations were not a part of the marauding hordes in this prison yard of raging hormones and poorly thought out insults. Attacks came from every angle with only two or three loyal friends who would watch you from three paces behind as you took the berate of foul language and disgust at your mere presence. Without even knowing you or your life, you hair, shoes, lack of sporting abilities and friends would come under such scrutiny. Feeble and incompetent were your mates in these attacks nevertheless they stood by you through a loyalty beyond their years, then with a slight knock to the shoulder from their own as you wandered off together somehow brought a little comfort. Silence and moving on was the only formula of sustaining life within the walls and boundary's of the educational nightmare. I wondered was I wearing some huge label, could they see right through me? I am still amazed at how some people especially peers can sense what you have been adverse to or presume what you may be without the slightest of notions or inclination. Why do some suppose to nominate you a homosexual whilst others have no inclining of your past. Not that I would ever identify myself as homosexual or display flamboyant gestures but rather caught in a conflict and opposed to that nagging obsession of what had now shaped me from the abuse I endured as a child. Yes, although I participated in unnatural acts under the guise of habitual satisfaction as a young teen on rare occasions, the disdain which followed allowed me the luxury to persist in the resolve of always demanding a solution to overriding this horrendous burden and striving towards a normal godly life.
You see Jesus was preached to me as a child in the very same home I stomached these vile abuses and the rights and wrongs in a moral society were conveyed, but as the decay of such things perpetuated over time, so have the laws and obligations of humanistic ideals and values changed. For me as a Christian homosexuality is sin, according to the word of God by which I live, this was taught to me at a very young age. Hence the repulsion to live such a lifestyle even though being introduced to it so young. Diversion and distraction is the ploy of the enemy. Corruption is the easiest way to down a person. I have taught my family that the devil has schemes for each and every person to lead them into doing and performing his agenda, that is to destroy lives but God has a plan for your life, a map and a guide to lead you not by force, but simply to a better and successful life, a life mapped by God. A future of promise in a perfect world, whether or not it is in our lives only here on earth by simply living right, it's worth the struggle and fight to see that future generations hold onto what has been passed down. Purity, love, righteousness and truth. These are the ideals I value and which society are lacking today, the very same of which today's generation are eliminating.
I didn't want to live a corrupt lifestyle in disobedience to God and His natural order but rather keep what is pure and for my now family that they in turn would pass on to their children the ideals and values that I live by. How else can we keep a planet of debauchery and decay at bay? We need to fight against the evils and overcome them, even with a spoiled past we can change the future through our present choices.