My Living Testimony - Part 2

Derelict of any Conscience

It felt like nothing else I had ever experienced, pure ecstasy not the drug but the state of euphoria. I didn't like my reality so this was my only means to escape the insanity of what I owned. These two worlds couldn't coexist so the stronger the drug the larger the reality of my new world. I lived with torment, abandonment issues, rejection, sexual abuse and guilt. An insatiable appetite had developed from a lack of knowledge of how to deal with all these emotions, towards society and anyone who couldn't identify with my pain or how I dealt with it. Hate was my weapon of choice and violence soon followed it. My inner circle of friends were junkies, thieves and thugs! what camaraderie there was between us all, animals feasting on one another's kill, violent beasts attacking anything or anyone that came within the boundaries of our territory and domain. Conflict and destruction of ourselves ate at us like a cancer and not one of us had the intellect or ability to recognize each others slow death and decay. We were self mutilating, just in another form, through drugs because of the dissatisfaction of who we were and what we had become. It was difficult to look into a mirror and face who we were or who we had become so we kept burying ourselves deeper and deeper on a daily basis of ritualistic drugs and booze. Breaking the law was a given and we were a law unto ourselves and as for me no laws existed. My new philosophy developed at the age of 16 towards life, live for today cause tomorrow I die!
Neglected and hurled out of my own home at just turned 16 by my step-father, after assaulting me, fueled my anger and rage towards my natural mother and the world as she stood by and let this happen. She watched the whole incident and watched me leave without saying a word as I left the comfort of our cosy small apartment in the inner city of Sydney for the cold night air of the streets. What do I do now? Just a short 6 months earlier I had suggested he move in with us, I knew its what he and my mum wanted. How the tables turned so quickly and standing in the dark on a cold Sydney street wondering what is going to happen to me whilst they are back there in a warm apartment having a hot meal. To this day I can't rightly remember where I spent that first night but there were many nights on the streets in public toilets, in run down buildings with junkies, homosexuals, sexually diseased women and on the odd occasion with friends whose parents were oblivious.
My disposition had turned from a naive boy into a young violent man! My rage took me from brutal assaults and robbery to being really frightened of myself and believing that I was capable and could quite easily murder if this anger was not brought under control. I had sporadic work but couldn't hold anything down permanently because of my addictions and money was always a problem but you learned street smarts and found ways around the lack of your financial problems. As a Christian one of the first statements of wisdom I heard was "that a problem is a matter proposed for solution" even in a street environment, this I learned other ways.
I was now derelict of any conscience and continued into a downward spiral of morals and values with complete degradation of self and disdain for my fellow human beings. Overtaken for 9 years, a path of destruction, betrayal, hatred and many victims of my schemes and rage were now evident and left behind. With too many to recount and find to make amends! I just kept moving on, besides, where would I begin to look? I couldn't remember half of the stuff myself, these I left to the Lord and laid at the cross.
It was now early 1988, the beginning of the end was approaching at rapid speed and I was caught in a whirlwind of paranoia, depression and death. My days were numbered and I was slipping away.......

Rinaldo