The Cycle of Abuse - part 4

Surrendered

By the time I had left school I was fifteen turning sixteen and my friends were all actively pursuing relationships amongst other things but I had to throw them off the scent of absent pursuits so being preoccupied with drugs was a godsend. This became a cover and an escape for me. The deeper undercover I went the less the suspicion was cast over my behaviours. Suspicion is a curious thing, what was there to be wary of? Was I shady or untrusting. The fact that I was not interested in the futile chase of one night stands with cheap bimbos who exchanged huge amounts of alcohol for empty climaxes from premature ejaculations only then to be trophied with a loss of self respect, was nothing to navigate their assumptions upon. No, I wanted more than this when I was ready and the time right, when total restoration of self had been accomplished through what was probably then a naive optimism. As it happened my compass set new headings and a course toward change reigned in the years which followed. In obscure times and moments I too became involved with indiscriminate partners whilst propped up on illicit drugs fueled by insatiable cravings. Seduced by a pregnant drug addict at the age of sixteen and a brief affair with two lesbian sisters had also taken place, then by the age of twenty four after a six month relationship I was engaged to a divorcee who was raising a young child. I thought that this was the life dealt so I grasped at the chance of normality.

I also had my fair share of female company in between these years along with some who wanted more than friendships, but settled for apathetic partnerships. So eventually I complied to their whims of constituting couples who paraded their romance as we regularly dated. I know it portrays condescending overtones or as though I was something to be acquired, but in reality I accommodated them without remorse for to disappoint was not in my vernacular. I gave them what they yearned but sex was not a part of the equation. Warm embraces, kisses and benevolence was all I had to offer. Romance was inept and deep passion nonfunctional and for the time being they remained contented, ever hopeful of more. Sadly I had broken some hearts but took solace in hearing through the grapevine that they eventually did find their true love and settled into marriages without regret. I don't mean to sound so blase about these relationships but all the while I still was embroiled in asinine notions of breaking free of the hellish occupations which consumed my waking years. I couldn't remove the stain left behind or the cycle of abuse which ate away at me like cancer. Without a cure I would never be rid of the devastation which had claimed my life. We had served one another's indulgences all the whilst reaching mutual expectations of what we really desired from life and parted with exceptional friendships and experiences as significant others. I had sandwiched into these formidable years unscrupulous relations with consequences that diminished my expectancy of grandeur and sustainability with a loving life long partner.
I dwelt upon the plains of narcissism and frequented the impotent rock ledges of suicide. The indigent boardwalk of loneliness inhabited my soul and the cold arctic winds of despair coursed around me. I was alone in a wide eyed planet of gorgeous life in indulgent fantasy yet as though singled out I was exiled to it's outskirts, the province anonymous. Non existent I perused the streets of isolation, wind and dust storms shortened my vision, clothed in rags of aimlessness and despondency no destination was ever reached. I lay somber upon the old bed in a men's shelter at 18. An old wooden cupboard in the corner lord it over the empty room, inside it was as empty as the room itself. Shallow breaths echoed off the walls, in silence, I was as still as the chamber. Die, I just wanted to die nothing that weeping could ever change, alone at the fringes of death I now lay upon this empty bed. Sinking! no one to grasp at my hand, no passer by to look on, I could just slip away without anyone knowing of my stingy existence, the world entertaining itself in merriment and luxury. Blue skies, green grass, yellow sun, warmth and colour. My state bleak, cold and dark.
The human condition is one of intuitive survival, I had come to a colossal critical point in my life, would I live or would I give in to the summons of death? An extraordinary courage and resilience swept me to new heights and the former years were depleted by the now powerful adoration and strength of my new found saviour. Twenty five years of wandering aimlessly about the wilderness, lost and defeated I met the only one true hope, the one who could bring solace and comfort, healing and cleansing, The Lord Jesus Christ. I surrendered my all and took my rest in His words, words of truth and reassurance that I was worth something after all. Words that took the sting out of those lies that had corrupted me and sent me to the edges of total ruin. The stains of abuse washed away, the fractured pieces of my heart restored and a love I could believe.
The healing was never instant for me, for healing happens over time but over the years of maturing as a Christian, I was taught how to overcome and be sustained by the loving power of God. Never lose sight, never give up, if there is one thing out of all this I can offer you, it's this, there is HOPE and FREEDOM in JESUS CHRIST.
As the years passed by and the raging storms calmed I then met my faithful, beautiful and understanding wife of now almost twenty years, and have since been blessed with three adorable children which I believed I was not capable of ever having. Today we live a life of contentment in His power and are witnesses to the ever present and powerful God of restoration and miracles. Although my prior life was marred by so much uncertainty and perverse immorality I have remained fervent to Jesus, all the while contending with the past etched in my memory and the residue left behind in my soul. The mind is a very powerful part of the body, controlling us and leading us. I have said for many years now "wherever the mind goes, the flesh follows" this truth has sustained my embrace toward purity and holiness. I will never be perfect in this life but nevertheless I am committed to the process of being perfected in Him, being readied for the next.
2Co 5:17 So that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new!

Rinaldo